Operation Indiscriminate Justice

Carrie Ends Up With Big in 'Sex' Finale

I promised Jon that I'd use the title above today, and it's as sensible as anything else for the mish-mash that follows.

First, the wedding was wonderful. Any fears of roasting on the altar were alleviated by the presence of enough tears to put out any fire, and the reception was one of the best nights of my life. If that's as close as I ever get to being the groom, it's as a good a surrogate as could be asked for--though, as I'll detail, I won't ever be satisfied by a surrogate.

Second, the end of Sex and the City was deliciously satisfying. While I was moved by the fact that Charlotte finally got her baby--and has found peace with her own imperfections--and while it was thrilling to see Carrie finally tame Big--I found the closure for Miranda and Samantha most satisfying. Samantha's realization that Smith really loves her, and that his love meant more than sex, was almost Kierkegaardian, and the way the writers moved from a very touching acknowledgement of Smith's place in her life to her final scene of ecstasy was a perfect capstone for her character. And Miranda: Magda's benediction of her, that kiss on the forehead, said everything. Who has watched Miranda's life more closely than Magda? When she saw Miranda bathing Steve's mother, the look in her eyes said it all: that woman has grown up. I know many people will say the show ended with a cop-out--returning to New York with Big, revealing his name as the Big kicker--but I was very happy that they let our girls grow and change in the final season and rewarded that growth so handsomely in the finale.

Someone else revealed that he hasn't grown very much on Sunday: Ralph Nader. I'm pleased that he's pledged not to go after the Democratic nominee, but his presence in the race is problematic for reasons beyond the practical, we-need-every-vote-we-can-get one: symbolically, it fragments our side of the debate while the Republicans, no matter how much they disagree about deficit spending and even social issues, stand together behind their favorite C-student. (For more about C-students, read Calvin Trillin's interesting op-ed piece today about the difference in how the media covered Dan Quayle's National Guard service and how they've covered Bush's.)

As shameless as Nader is, though, my notion of politics this election year may take the cake. The past year has seen great strides for gay rights and for public recognition of gay issues. There are those who fear that pressing the issue right now would be dangerous and potentially counterproductive, that actions like Gavin Newsom's in San Francisco and the decision of the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court will turn the public against us. While that's possible, I think this is the time to push forward and push hard. The issue is on the table--the only question is whether we let Bush and his $150 million war chest define it or whether we do it ourselves. With that in mind, I believe that 2004 is the time when every gay man and lesbian woman should speak his or her mind to every straight friend and family member possible. Tell them just how much the notion of a Federal Marriage Amendment hurts. Talk about the financial and legal ramifications--inheritance rights, hospital visitation rights, countless other accoutrements of marriage that the gay community must ask lawyers to cobble together for us if we want to protect ourselves and those we love. Talk about the stigma such an amendment would put on us, and how fundamentally wrong it would feel to live in a country that enshrined discrimination in its constitution. Tell them it's a deal-breaker: you can't support this amendment, or the president who will annouce his support for it any day now, and claim to support me, too.

We've been shamed, and ashamed, all of our lives. It's time to turn the shame around, to speak boldly and with one voice and say that we will not be driven back into the dark, will not be pigeonholed by commentators from Georgia or politicians from the Bible Belt. The personal has become political this election season, and if we're going to keep moving forward, gay people must be willing to confront this reality with the people who love us.